Home / Anxiety & Depression / INSIDE MY CRAZY MIND! (My Current Struggles With Depression, Obsession, & Anxiety)

INSIDE MY CRAZY MIND! (My Current Struggles With Depression, Obsession, & Anxiety)



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My Story

My name is Noah and on May 18 2011, I had a rare reaction to a vaccine called VIVITROL and consequently spiraled into a major, agitated, suicidal depression with depersonalization. I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks and was in full panic or near panic for 8 weeks straight mixed with the darkest most painful depression I cold have ever imagined. I immediately could not work and had to move in with my parents who along with many siblings and friends had to watch me 24/7 as I was so suicidal. I was eventually hospitalized. Getting through each day seemed truly unbearable and I knew I would surely die. I have been put on many many different SSRI’s SNRI’s Tricyclics, Mood stabilizers, anti psychotics, holistic meds, acupuncture and even a form of shock therapy called RTMS. I barely saw any improvement in my condition for a full year. It was decided I had treatment resistant depression and I spent nearly every moment in tears. Weeks after starting my newest round of medications (Seroquel & Nortryptaline) as a last ditch effort, I had my blood drawn for possible hormone imbalances and my Testosterone levels came back 200 ng/Dl and 150 ng/Dl. The average 25 year old male has 750 ng/Dl. With this discovery I for the first time had any type of possible explanation as to why I was not getting better and why I might be so so sick. The symptoms of such Low T are very similar to those of major depression. I started Testosterone replacement therapy soon after and have been checking in with the world and documenting my experience with treatment as well as giving my insight and perspective on various topics of mental health. I am blessed to say that I have slowly, over the last 4 years, been improving and becoming more stable which I never thought to be possible. My low T manifested itself in the form of Major depression, anxiety, and depersonalization/ derealization for over a year. Gaining some mental stability back is nothing short of a miracle as I was near death for what felt like forever. I do not consider myself to be totally healed yet but I am closer now then ever before and aim to use what I have been through to help or at least offer support to others in need I was able to successfully come off my Seroquel and Pamelor.

I work out all the time as a part of my mental health recovery!!! Weight training and all kinds of cardio rule much of my free time!

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44 comments

  1. I can relate.. don’t feel like you have to explain why you have obsessive thoughts or feelings of guilt .. it’s all part of the symptoms of mental health diseases..

  2. Thanks for a good tears, but i better want to be more depressed right now. I struggle to make my life better. But yet I'm still commenting your video hoping i might be helped. I don't know, I'm sick of helping myself on my way to happiness. I think I'm now addicted to sadness.

  3. Thank u man I hope u have a good futrue

  4. I still think about two bullies who bullied me out of a job a long time ago.The unfairness of it still winds me up.I would welcome any suggestions to this unresplved situation.

  5. my depression and anxiety have now lead me to talking to myself more frequently. I am afraid of not knowing whether I might end up going insane.

  6. Awesome video. I struggle with the Clinical depression, anxiety and obsessive thinking. I have had this disease for over 30 years and it's been extremely overwhelming. I feel out of control, overwhelming sad, my thoughts are all over the place. With my I obsesse with how I'm feeling on the inside which makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. If I were to describe that last 30+ years I would say it's been torment over and over every single day. I have been seeing doctors but all they have ever done for me is throw a pill at my problem. This Monday I will be going to a new doctor and start continuing therapy. This disease has for the most part ruined my life. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day but never acted out on them. Thank you so much for posting this very helpful video

  7. I’m going through the exact same thing as you, every day I wake up I feel like I’m not good enough for this world, I feel like I’m not worthy of happiness, I work graveyard shift at a warehouse and usually everyone leaves the warehouse at 11pm and around that time my depression kicks in on over drive and us maintenance workers normally stay behind cleaning the warehouse in absolute loneliness and with all that free time to myself my mind often spaces out and the fear, anxiety, and depression starts pouring in and tearing down what ever hope or happiness I may have left in side, and it doesn’t help that I’m into rock and roll and sad depressing alternative rock lately I’ve been shamed of my heritage being born Mexican American I often feel guilt or shame with all the hate and racism circling around the media and in my daily life makes me feel like a target to sadness and negativity, I’m tired of it all the shame the guilt the regrets and feeling like I’m never good enough for anything or anyone in life

  8. Thank you for sharing!
    I can so relate!

  9. Jingle bells. Coming off over 8 years of antidepressants, I just wanted to see how I would feel drug free. I have things to be thankful for, but can’t seem to get to that space. I have a new relationship and I’m obsessing over it instead of enjoying it. Thank you so much for finding the courage to share your experiences.

  10. Wow! Can I relate. I obsess about my mental illness and research it day and night. I’ve been binge watching your channel because you are easy to relate too. I’ve recently been obsessing about a failed relationship and have a conundrum. Like you, I do Crossfit. This woman goes to my gym and is a trigger for my obsessive compulsive thought patterns. Now my safe space and mental health outlet is also a trigger.

    Keep posting! You’re inspiring. Do you ever feel your channel helps with your depression & anxiety? Does it help you feel connected and provide an outlet when you need support?

  11. Jingle bells! You have given me hope. Yes a sense of torture is with me all day.

  12. Am with you all the way. In the midst of severe depression and anxiety. Thank you for your bravery and sharing your feelings

  13. Jingle bells. I love you. Thank you.

  14. Oh my GOD I have OCD and depression too and depersonalization from weed and have been watching your videos for years, and I literally have had this obsession the past few months (ie white guilt, feeling like I can’t be happy because there are so many world problems, researching conditions for pain and suffering in other countries, feeling the “strange looping conundrum” where I literally can’t enjoy anything because I just feel obsessively guilty for my privilege. I fucking hate OCD. I can’t even enjoy a sunset bc I am thinking about how unfair it is that someone has schizophrenia and could be locked up.

  15. Jinglebells. I feel like I’m trapped inside of my own brain, I’ll get fixated on one thing and burn everything around me down to continue my fixation. I’m not doing well today.

  16. Hey Noah did u ever feel like there’s just so much going on in ur brain and so many thought with dp you feel like your in the verge of insanity idk if u can relate but it scares me I’m scared I’m going to just snap off

  17. Random- but have you been tested for ADHD? I have ADHD which leads to hyperfocusing which leads to obsessing and loops. Stimulant meds have really helped. And just knowing the diagnosis helps. Thanks for being vulnerable, really helps me not feel as poopy.

  18. I know what you’re going through man i got very similar mental issues with chronic anxiety depression etc.

  19. I was just thinking this guilt and need to justify yourself sounded like it might have parental roots, and then you said about your father. Why do you feel such a need to measure up to him? Do you believe he demands that?

    BTW – high-dose SSRI is a bit scary. When I take SSRIs I have to limit the dose to a half or a quarter the prescribed amount. Any more and I start to feel terrible. Powerful stuff.

  20. I am going through this like as you said all this experience i was like i hear my story from another person and you know well its sounds good to me that a person was suffring from this and now he's cured so why not me…so sir please tell me what is the trick you got to get rid of this…i am tired of this at all..

  21. I've been saying this for years, everyone should have a mental health worker…….. everyone!!!

  22. I hate when people say that there is real problems. I have real problems, my clothes is too big or small, I cannot think critically enough and am eating sintetic food. My head hurts like hell and I cannot get away from torchous people. Plus I hate confrontation because I don't know what to say. I have said it all.

  23. Am definitely obsessing, I am trying not to get mixed up in the wrong crawed Lord Jesus. I am a respectable person.

  24. Very informative. I relate this issue 100%. This affects me on a daily basis.

  25. Jingle bells ❤ Your obsessive thoughts sound familiar. I'm especially that way with animals. I want to save them all..and been so obsessive that I've literally felt yes, it is my responsibility to save them all. Its torture, and your experience has helped me to know it's just part of this illness..I should want to help animals but not want to die if I can't which is how I've felt before.
    My diagnosis well, people disagree but most mental health professionals I've screen say Major depressive disorder and treatment resistant depression, my latest psychiatrist says I have a Bipolar disorder..who knows, lol. Anyway, hope your doing well and thankyou ❤❤

  26. I go through the exact same thing you do. I honestly did not know someone else out there at the obsessions as well as the anxiety and depression. It is robbing me of my sleep, and my breathing pattern when I’m awake or asleep. I understand you. I wish you luck, brother.

  27. Jingle Bells
    I love your videos I can relate to you so much I also admire you because you've gone and got help which is something I can't do my brain won't let me I know deep down I need to go and get help but it scares me
    Thank you for sharing your experiences it is somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one that is going through this

  28. Thank you for your honesty. Your videos help a lot ….jingle bells

  29. I obsess over my Dp/Dr and anxiety, makes me feel like I constantly need to read something that says I'll be alright. I hear you man

  30. I think you should remind yourself of the progress and how God allows you to touch others.

  31. I have a debilitating disease – NF1, I will never know the luxury of having a wife or kids. I live in a RV in Canada where it gets cold. I have no friends or support network. No one to come home to. I have spent my whole life in isolation for the most part, going on 34 years old. your very lucky my friend.

  32. Jingle bells, love this channel, I've been obsessing over a girl at work where I keep thinking about the things we do at work. It does get tiring and annoying, but like you said in your other video, we don't control our thoughts so we should just let them pass by and not pay any attention to them. You're great keep fighting through this and remember that this channel is helping out many people so thats a good reason to smile

  33. 12:00 very good point. I often get hilt with the whole "what have YOU got to be worried about?? We all have problems!"

  34. Jingle bells. Suffering from ocd, depression, social anxiety disorder and possibly finding more as I progress through therapy. This gave me hope, thank you.

  35. Mental attacks are so hard to get rid of..brain zaps..yes brain zaps..i can't tell you what it feels like..kinda like like a shock to the brain like a shifting..i remember not having these things occurring and i cant tell you how I felt most of the time..the mental attacks are worst..I had anxiety i couldn't go to stores..im constantly thinking on the past.. It makes you feel so lost..it can affect your life your household duties..what do say i should do💖🙏💕💗🙏💞

  36. JINGLE BELLS!!! I hate dealing with my mental health. Yes, it is torture. Yes, it is hard to fight it, and it makes it worse, but I don't know how to stop it. The older I get the worse it gets. I've struggled since I was in high school and I am now 46. I am on disability for the second time in 2018. I am finding out who my real friends are and are not. I think I may be to embarrassed in the end to return to my current job of 10 years. I'm so sick of my mind. I don't think you are whiny at all. Everything you said, I could have said as well. It is what it is, and I sooo appreciate you speaking out. It helps others.

  37. Hell no, your struggles are real.

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